Hello there.

It’s been a while but I haven’t abandoned you. I will always love LJ and will always pour out my feelings here. Yup, old-fashioned blogging with feelings. Just rant and whine and cry at the silly things that I get into. But between Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and the hesayszeesays.com blog (which has to be updated too), I don’t have much left for you LJ.


I’ve been great so far. Getting married in September to someone I love as much as life. It’s not going to be a fancy schmancy, frilly wedding. It’s just going to be dinner with immediate family and the person officiating the marriage. Easier that way and at the same time, the frills are all they are, frills. No dress or flowers but I think I’ll have flowers. My sister insists because she says it’s “kawawa” not to have flowers on your wedding. I never really was one of those “I have a dream wedding” kind of girl. The closest I ever had to thinking about my wedding was to have it at our farm but I don’t think that’s possible anymore. Besides, I think the frills would fit a blushing virginal bride more. Plus we’ll be moving to a new place soon too and I’m actually more excited for that and a fancy schmancy wedding is something we really can’t afford now.


It’s been a crazy 3 years. I have never felt this way ever in my life. I feel overjoyed, overwhelmed, giddy, happy, content but at the same time, I have never felt as angry, jealous, depressed. It’s a big roller coaster of feelings as opposed to the calm, collected and cerebral way I used to feel about things. It’s crazy as well as difficult. There are days when I just want to bang my head on the wall for being so irrational and moody. I feel like such a stereotypical girl. Ugh..is this really how a girl is supposed to feel? I hear my friends whine about this and their partners whine about them being this way but it's never really happened to me till now. So,this thing called "emotions" just doesn't sit well with me.


I still get sick once in a while. At least it’s not days at a time. I’ve learned to cope and to suck it in. I got sick of whining about my being sick. Then came bad headaches. I would be hunched in pain, black out, blurry vision, memory loss. So I had to have that checked too and the neurologist fixed my condition with some anti-convulsant that I seem to be dependent on now. If I get off it, I feel like my head was trying to give birth like Zeus and the constant “headaches” will have a long-term bad effect if I don't keep it up. Then I have this skin infection I can’t get rid off. I had it for a year, disappeared for 3 months and now it’s back again. The dermatologists have tried everything so it’s getting depressing. You can play connect the dots on my body to create an entire forest scene with animals and trees.

Oh, LJ..I’ve only been writing on you when I get really messed up don’t I? You deserve better, really.

When I got sick last year, I stopped doing things I loved doing. I was either too sick, will get too sick or was just plain depressed. I wanted to keep working at the community in Laguna but for my safety and health, I had to stop. I miss the community, I miss the kids, I miss working with them and seeing improvement in their lives every week. I shared their joy as well as their tears. I got sicker and sicker every week and eventually disappeared. I turned over my work to the Salesians and just worked on recovering. I felt like I failed them. I dream about them a lot. This haunted me the whole year.


I stopped painting. Being sick drained me. I was too sad to paint and just felt discombobulated. I basically just didn’t want to do anything productive because I had too many physical limitations. I was scared I couldn’t finish it, I was scared it would turn out bad, I was scared I would bring bad vibes to my work.

I stopped assisting NGO’s, I stopped writing gigs, hosting, singing, dancing, even writing on my blog.

It has been an off year. I did nothing but work on my “day job”. I would just rest on weekends and spend time with my loved ones. I guess you could say I lived a normal life this year. I just recuperated and went from one doctor to another and rested. I would try to find temporary sources of joy like shopping and make-up to make me smile. I would go to another doctor and get depressed. I found solace in Mark, Bea and our little poodle Vader. Then I felt depressed because I felt useless and unproductive. I guess you can’t change the way you really are. You can’t deny yourself of your core being.

“ You used to be a happy person”

“You’re so bitter”

It hurts to hear that. It hurts because it was the truth. It hurt because that for me is the worst thing I could be. I have never been that way, not even when my life was in shambles in 2008. Those words felt like a slap on the face. I couldn't help but cry and sob. I let my being sick get to me. I let it win. Hearing those words woke me up.

I’m not a hundred percent better. I still get sick once in a while. I get very sick when I’m not careful. At times, I just pretend I’m perfectly fine even if my legs feel like noodles but I just want my life and myself back. I can’t be this way. I’ll start with painting and drawing this weekend. I’ll start with running and meditating. I’ll start with laughing.

Thank you for waking me up. I needed that.

We all know that social media is the one thing in this world that's better than finding that one perfect shade of lipstick, or marvelling at the innocent, cherubic beauty of a newborn baby Baconator.

And so, we're on Facebook too!

We'd love for you to give us a "like" if you've enjoyed our random bickering.

Or drop us an email at HeSaysZeeSays@gmail.com. We utterly adore fan mail.

Besos,
Zee & MDJ


P.S. Those links in the signature lead to our Twitter accounts too. Follow us for more real-time updates on our mishaps and misadventures! Pretty suave, huh?

A world sans make-up would be colorless & filled with cranky women. Read He Says,Zee Says if you agree!

 

Women Are From Venus,Men Are Barbarians: http:// su.pr/2BYp5j

Morbid but I'm scared of dying. In never used to until recently. Just when I find so much joy at home, in life..I get sick all the time and I wonder if I'll die soon. If you asked me 3 years ago,I would have been pretty ready to go. Now,there's so much I want to do and look forward to and I just can't have that.

 

An attack of flu just hits me hard and as I've posted awhile back,I just take it one infection,one day at a time. I've gotten so used to feeling sick and weak,it has started to become normal and I usually don't say anything anymore. I just continue working,cracking jokes,laughing. I just pause once in a while, sit down, breathe deeply and just go on with my day. I go to work like a normal person,go to the mall..I push myself so that I won't be too much of a damper and be the way I used to be then do the same ritual..pause,sit,breathe, smile. Nobody notices anymore. Not even my family. They've stopped asking too.

 

I don't want my loved ones thinking I'm over acting and being melodramatic. I don't want them thinking I can't take care of them. I don't want them to stop enjoying life because I don't have as much energy.

 

It sucks to be feeling unwell and you work. You just have to keep going, push yourself to go to work on time. It's your body that's sick,not your brain,I always say. That's the saddest part. Your mind is alive and whirring but your body just feels heavy and in pain. Another sad but liberating part is that climbing the corporate ladder is the least of my concerns now. I do my work well,excellent even but why choose an excellent but sick high performer,right? They don't notice unless I get hit by a bad infection but I can't help but think it. I just can't.

 

I know it's just in my head but I really am scared. I've stopped going to my hemo-onco for now. I got tired of all the blood extractions and tests. I just tell everyone I'm anemic,it's easier to explain.

His name is Vader,a black toy poodle. He is adorable and naturally, everyone falls in love with his cuteness. I think every parent would agree that having a pet is more of a responsibility of the mother than the rest of the family. You always seem to end up doing the dirty work. I really should have thought about that before purchasing the adorable pooch because now, training him is driving me crazy.


I bought a book for dog care but my idea of true learning is watching “Dog Whisperer”. That’s hours and hours of watching problematic dogs and Cesar Millan calming the heck out of them. He says that dogs sense energy and one thing my household has,its energy. From hyper Bea and Mark to perky Yaya Josephine. I guess you can imagine how frisky our little pup can be. He can run around in circles for an hour. He’s so fast, no one can catch him and I think this is what he wants us to do.

Being a pack leader is something that Cesar Millan says all the time. This basically means understanding dog behavior. Their natural behavior in the wild and not whatever cute thing we think the dog is doing. The dog running around like a headless chicken does not necessarily mean he’s putting on a cute show. It could mean he needs to pee or he wants to exercise out or he’s hungry and trying to get attention or he really does think he’s a headless chicken. I don’t know..I don’t speak dog.

Looking back, my pets as a kid seemed so much easier to handle. Though,I don’t think my mother would agree with me. She was probably snickering in Cebu as I told her that I got a puppy for her grandchild. In a nutshell, being a pack leader means leading and being a boss to your dog. Sending out messages that “hey,you are the pet and you follow me”. Not feed him lamb chops when no one is looking and falling for the cute puppy eyes. As a pack leader, I think we all fail. We just shmoosh him and hug him and let him sleep on the bed and baby him and cuddle and just smell him and fuzz over him. WE ARE SUCH SUCKERS!!!!!

We have had winning moments like teaching him to pee on his pee pad. He pees nowhere else. Just don’t ask where he poops because he poops everywhere and we’re talking about winning moments here. We’re still working and literally praying over the poop part. We have a rule “Whoever sees it,cleans it.”


Our social life has also been affected by this little poofy thing. I have a fiance and a daughter who don’t want to leave him behind saying “…but he’s our baby. He’s family.” I say “He’s a dog.” and I get the “You’re so evil.” look. The first time I insisted we leave him behind because I wanted to watch a movie, they told me that he’s “Ohana”. Ohana means family and no one is left behind. How’s that for making me feel guilty? So basically BHS has been the mall of choice lately. These are a few dog friendly places:

· Bonifacio High Street and Eastwood – though some stores don’t allow them in even in a bag/carrier (Muji allows them in so we loooove Muji)

· Rockwell and Greenbelt allow dogs as long as they are bags/carriers
· Mamou and Italliani’s love dogs and even offer water

· Shangrila Mall only allow dogs at Bow & Wow and you have to pass through the entrance near that store

Definitely no dogs allowed at groceries..of course. We bring him around whenever we can and boy,does he attract attention. People just ooh and aah and squeal over how cute he is. He loves this and so does my attention whore of a fiancé and Bea. They said they would eventually charge people for every picture and pat on the head.

Little Vader is still going through his last few shots and a visit to Animal House at Jupiter is always a pleasant experience. I love how fast the service is and how cute the dogs there are and the bulletin board of dogs looking for girlfriends and boyfriends really amuses me.


We have spent a lot on Vader since we got him. I’m glad he’s a tiny little thing and doesn’t eat much dog food but his bed, leash,bag, cage, toys, etc.. have cost us around 5k or so. But we don’t mind. He’s worth it. He just makes all of us happy.


Vader isn’t our first dog. In fact I grew up in a household with 20 or so dogs, Mark has had his share too and Bea has two Shih Tzu’s but I think he’s the dog that we have all learned to love so much because he is ours to share. He’s our little baby and a wonderful addition to our funny,different family. I think I haven’t been this close since my Princess in High school and Mark’s Snowball. Both dogs we love very much. We agree Vader is pretty special.

We love him so much that he has his own Twitter account. Please follow Vader’s adventures at @SithPuppy

Last week, I sat beside this couple fighting over lunch. The gist was about the guy flirting with someone on Facebook. That’s pretty common nowadays. I’m thankful Mark and I are aligned when it comes to those things. In our relationship, honesty, transparency and communication are a priority. We actually have each other’s passwords for everything.
Of course just like any other couple, we fight, argue, bicker or in his words “discuss with passion”. There are really some things that get to our nerves. These can be random, nit-picky, shallow, relevant or just plain hurtful. To enumerate some and not in any order:

· Schedules    
· Late nights
· Jealousy
· Stubbornness
· Porn
· Too much Internet
· Health
· Washing dishes

See? Normal couple issues. I say normal because all couples have issues and fight. Couples who don't fight are probably just hiding things under the rug, compartmentalizing, apathetic or one of them is cheating on the other. Haha. Fights are normal and for Mark and my case, makes us stronger. Think of it as an emotional work out. Round after round of dissecting, discussing, bickering and arguing over a minute,senseless topic that can eventually be relevant to all mankind and the Filipino people..like who brings the doggie / left over take out bag.

“You’re not going to eat it anyway.”

“Well, someone might. I don’t want to waste anything.”

“Then you bring it around”

“In this outfit?!”

And so on and so forth. That’s 250 calories right there.

How do Bella Flores and Celia Rodriguez Communicate?

Communication can make or break a relationship. Mark and I are both communication professionals. Does this mean we have a perfect relationship,talk and discuss our feelings often or in a civilized manner? No. It’s more like Bella Flores and Celia Rodriguez had a tiff and sarcasm spews out like a fountain. It was actually funny at first (well,I thought it was) and really, sometimes it feels like a Filipino B movie. Being in the communication field just means we acknowledge its importance and really practice it. It also means we can both exhaust a topic of irritation until nothing’s left but ashes.

We can bicker about who should wash the dishes for an hour, spend another hour diving deeper and discuss why one washed or did not wash the dishes and the final hour talking about the relevance of having clean dishes in a timely manner,if it does get done. Then I go into my HR/OD persona and delve into what motivates a person to wash and not wash dishes. I’m exaggerating of course…not. Sometimes, we have visual aids.

So what makes us survive our long drawn, sometimes silly and shallow “discussions with passion” ?

Exhaust The Topic

This is difficult for me. I have the tendency to clam up and run away but Mark has taught me to open up,no matter how shallow or painful. That it’s okay to discuss things. Let’s just say, after I learned this, I never had a problem.

· Hide nothing and let your partner know how you really feel. It may be petty and unreasonable for you but he or she might just understand it. Sometimes you discuss it too much, eventually it sounds silly and whoever started it realizes it’s not worth it. Either that or you have exhausted the topic so much, you exhausted yourselves and just want to end it amicably. Fatigue and hunger..the great equalizer.

· Talk calmly and slowly. Try to deliberately lower your voice. People have the tendency to raise their voices when emotional (i.e. Me) and even if it’s not done deliberately,can be decibels higher.

· Try to follow a structure: What, Where, When, How and How did it make you feel? If it’s totally unreasonable,”Just because” does not count. There must be some sane reason somewhere.

· Never get physical even when you just want to grab the persons’ hair and uproot it (No,that’s not the reason Mark has no hair). Violence should never be an option. Ask for a time out to breathe, reset and calm down.

· Do all this in a private area. It can be at home,in the bedroom and away from kids. Doing a Claudine Barretto is just wrong, unglamorous and just plain ugly.

· Listen

Pride and Humility

Saying sorry can sometimes feel like swallowing a burr. Admitting you or both of you are wrong is even harder. Feelings were hurt and words were said. It doesn’t work out like a fairy tale and you “live happily ever after”. Sometimes, it can take an hour, a day or a couple of days before you’re back into African lovebird mode. These are things we usually do to hasten the process (it could work for you):

· Crack a joke
- Shared laughter always helps. If you don’t have a joke or suck at it, you can always Google for one.

· Make funny faces
- Nothing like making a fool of oneself to make someone smile or make them feel that they got one over you.

· A good meal
- A good shared meal warms the heart. If cooked by the guilty party, the better.

· Shopping
- Gifts are always good. Token cost depends on the gravity of the offense.

Don’t make things too difficult for your partner unless you plan to lose the relationship. A person can only take so much and you may end up alone. Well, I guess it’s fine to be alone that way, you have your pride to keep you company.

Hugs Heal

The power of touch is amazing and healing. Even when arguing, Mark and I hold hands. I love this because:

· It tells me that my partner will not let go, no matter what we’re talking about.
· We’re in this together
· It makes me feel secure
· Stops me from grabbing a knife when I see red and the other way around

Having a hug after an argument heals the soul. It’s an acknowledgment of one’s love as well as a sense of closure. Hugs are a wonderful language of love.

There you go. This is how we survive. It may not be new or rocket science but it works for us. Speaking of discussions of passion..this article may trigger one. I really just wanted to post something because I got bored at a training and started doodling on my Galaxy Note. Haha.

I’ve been an obsessive Coca- Cola drinker since I was a wee little girl. In fact, my whole family drinks it obsessively. We drink so much of it that the Coca-Cola delivery truck delivers cases of it directly to our house when we were small. I remember our allowance was based on how much Coke was. I remember when I was in Grade 1, a Coke solo size would cost PhP1.50. True enough,it brings me happiness.

I’m from Cebu and with that comes a diet of liempo,lechon, barbecue, seafood, Spanish fare. Only Coke can make this a more satisfying gustatory experience. It just makes the meal complete.

I don’t want to delve on how it’s bad for you and makes one fat,etc. I just know I drink a liter a day and I’m fine so far. I shifted to Coke Zero because I like how it tastes. I’m not fat or have a “Coke belly” either. So, I don’t even want to go there.

I have a new office now and though,it’s not as grand as my old one it has this on our floor:


I love it! It constantly amazes me. Cheap thrill but again it brings me joy.

Thank you, Coca-Cola for all those years of happiness.

It’s so easy to get sucked into the “Mom” role, don’t you agree?
It’s so easy to just wake up in the morning and know what you’re all about..take care of your child/children. Everything else has the tendency to just be at the background. Hey,you could suck at work or not do anything else productive but hey,you’re a mom. This is something we commonly hear…different variations of course. At times,not too good variations..
“I gained weight..I had 3 kids kasi,I’m a mom.”
“I can’t focus at work and have to rush home..I’m a mom.”
“I’ll berate and verbally abuse the darn airline ground crew because I need something for my kids..hey,I’m a mom.”

And so on and so forth.

People take it in so easily too. Mothers have special privileges,the same way they seem to have magic through the eyes of their loved ones. Being a mom,automatically seems to give one a certain level of maturity, and privileges by sometimes skipping a line at the restroom by whipping out that toddler..”Nanay yan. Okay lang”
This is true..I don’t look like a typical mom and people treat me differently when they think I’m a “Miss” but if I have to,I whip out the mom card or tell them I have a daughter and everything just automatically gets fixed like the Red Sea suddenly parting for Moses.I use it when men try to hit on me too. Nothing like telling them about your child that makes them run the other way..Aaah,the priviliges of being a mom. I hated this when I was single,by the way. Sometimes we let that “mom” role define us..always last, always strong, always gives her arm plus leg and add on the appendix. Mother with the martyr roles and some who just use it and abuse it (Yeah..admit it. There are some..)

Mothers are definitely special. In fact,the most number of text messages sent is during Mother’s Day,not Christmas,not New Year.  My Mark and Bea gave me a special Mother’s Day by not letting me work the whole day. This includes cleaning up after the new puppy, cooking and washing dishes ( I don’t have a helper on weekends..so I’m "Inday" during weekends). We also had a Mommy Day out and I had my choice of resto. So,I chose Mamou because I love their steak (and normally not supposed to have any) and plus they had free Sonja’s Red Velvet cupcakes for moms (which Bea ate).


They had this grand plan of leaving me at The Spa so that they could find a surprise gift but that really didn’t pan out too well. The spa a.k.a. the mommy version of Gymboree. The massage was supposed to make me feel relaxed but being naked around other people,having strangers touch me and seeing other naked women just stresses me out. Weird phobia but it does. So for two hours my stomach was clenched and that really wasn’t relaxing. It was terribly sweet of them,though. I was so touched. I was also stressing because leaving both of them alone,usually means trouble. When I came out of The Spa,my fluffies got stuck in the rain it seems and didn’t get to find a surprise. I was fine with that of course. Just seeing them playing and laughing together was enough to make me smile. I was also still stressed over the people-nakedness-massage experience and just wanted to rest and enjoy my funny,different,silly family.


See? Who wouldn’t be spoiled? Who wouldn’t love to be a mother? Some households revolve around the mother. They revolve so much around the mother that we forget that she’s a woman first and foremost. Sometimes even mom forgets she’s a woman. A woman who should be the best she could be, excels, grows, learns..physically,emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. A woman who uses her being a mother to mold and shape and not be examples of the old,famous ad “Ang ginagawa ng matanda any nagiging tama sa mata ng bata.” Sometimes as mothers we forget that being the best woman you can be can make you the best mom you can be. They say the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. Let it be the best hands then. 

Belated Happy Mother's Day,lovely mommies and mommies to be!