They said we were to have an exam. I studied and studied hard.. I didn't want to flunk and of course wanted good scores. Apparently, the exam was to call someone who could help you transform into a better leader based on what we are studying. I am in a quandary. Who do I call?

I have an addiction to the following :
* control
* perfection
* being the best
* winning

It makes me
• impatient
• arrogant
• detached
• avoid people

These are affecting everything in my life and not making me achieve as much as I want to. It has been hard to admit. Well, admit that I am that way,no. Admit that these are all wrong, yes. In my mind, I wanted to tell the professor “why fix something that isn’t broke?” then thought..arrogance. One of my CEO "classmate" did, though..haha. Yes,I'm not the worst one here.

All these have also affected how I relate with people. I have become distant and detached. It has been difficult for me to relate with people and share myself and how I really feel. Feeling and showing feelings for me I have always deemed as a vulnerability. Crying and showing how much you care a weakness. I have been this way for a long time. I would rather crack jokes and think. It’s safer. Safer but wrong. I have turned into a monster.

The workshops are hard. They place you in simulated meetings to test yourself. I wanted to scream and tried my best not to take control. Just go with the flow, relax and listen. It was very difficult not to tap on the table and tell everyone to stop being such children and focus on the meeting topic. I thought my head would explode, I wanted to whip out my fan and breathe in more air, raise my hand ans shout “Stop it!” ..but stopped myself.

I realized I have always been this way. Uptight..always wanted to be the youngest this, fastest that, best in this, star in that.. Being an athlete didn’t help. All I ever wanted was to win. I couldn’t understand the concept of recreational sports..playing because you just have fun. Everything has to have a reason and purpose. I never really knew how to just let my hair down, do something without an agenda or reason. Even when out with friends, I am very conscious of time, topic, space..even if I get drunk. In control at all times. That’s why I’m great at crisis management.. I don’t feel, just think and go in and order people to do what they are supposed to do when they are in shock.

My Bea once told me “Mom, I love it when you laugh because I don’t hear you laugh all the time.”

The only time I ever let go and did a leap of faith was when I got married and fell deeply in love to the wrong person. That didn’t work out well..and everything just doubled up in intensity. More control, have to be the best..so much to do, so much to prove, tougher, higher, stronger. It has become too much that I have lost heart and I feel that sincerity has faded in what I do. I need to change..slow down..learn to laugh, learn to relax and learn that life is not a race. Just let go..because this is destroying me.

Doing all this will be difficult. It’s like asking a zebra to change stripes but I will try.
* Spend more time with friends and not rush off to another meeting
* be calm and don’t be such a party pooper
* laugh and spend time with people who make you laugh
* be in the moment
* relate
* love and feel
* stop thinking too much

I tell myself that it won’t be hard, it should be exciting…but I feel the knots in my stomach.

Who do I call? My mom who expects me to be perfect ? Friends who just chill in life? A person who makes me smile and happy? Bozo the Clown?

I have to make a final report for tomorrow..with action plans and all.

This course I'm taking is really opening up my eyes...A LOT..it has really made me see things really differently. It has been more than a course, it's been like a retreat. Only secular..cerebral but delves into the core of one's being. It basically shows you all your blind spots and shadows..and it hasn't been pretty..

I made a major decision this week I hope I didn't make a mistake..I think I hurt someone..

Oh man..oh well.. oh crap..

I don't know if it's fixable when I get back if I did make a mistake.

Ha! my leadership results aren't as bad as others pala..hahaha...I was worried about it for no reason. it just confirmed that yes,i am a control freak but i know that and i work on it everyday.

Had a great day. Meeting up at Surry Hills to study. Study. I hate that word but just have to do it.

i had a huge smile on my face even if i was super tired and really happy. now, i want to throw up.

i am so confused.

i just went through this training today that really shook my world and have me thinking about who i have turned into..it was not nice.

what kind of monster have i turned into? i expected something slightly off scale but not this bad.

it's a good way to start the year,i guess..a platform for improving myself in 2010..but i'm crushed. i am the total opposite if who i was...i travel all the way here just to be told that i am a monster.

it's still day 1 and i have 4 more days..i wonder what other things i will find out next?

My neck hurts. I can hear Raul shout "spot,spot..focus! Tighter! Tighten your back!" Apparently, I didn't my pirouettes right because my neck hurts like hell. Whiplash..ouch! Why did I ever think I can still do this at 32? Oh yeah...family calls. It has been fun, though. I'm losing weight again even if I do eat like a construction worker. I feel healthier too. My cousins envy my being single and all. I can do anything I want. Best of both worlds with Bea around and all.

It has been great so far. Right now, I'm at Chelsea and just downed an entire bowl of greens. I got bored in the house so I decided to eat out. I forgot they have huge portions but who cares? I'm hungry and the wonderful thing about it is that when you eat alone, there's nobody around to tease me that I do eat like a trucker..haha. I love watching people..how they interact, what they are wearing and the dynamics. It's very interesting and i'm a very keen observer. I enjoy walking around and just looking and sometimes talking to people. Asking them what interests them, what they do..absorbing who and what they are. I do that when I travel too. Some enjoy eating, some shop. I "collect people". A term coined by a friend but very apt. The funny thing is that I enjoy my privacy and being alone so much too. Quite a contradiction but works.

The man beside me is alone too, surfing on his laptop. The perfect companion for lone rangers like me, but I stopped doing that. My bag is heavy enough already. It gives the illusion of being busy and does'nt make you look silly eating alone. Im typing this all up on my ipod. I just stopped caring about what people think about me eating alone, really. I stopped staring at couples and thinking of scenarios too. Some relationships work, I just tell myself. I saw a friend walking with his girlfriend at the mall yesterday. Actually, the girlfriend was walking, he was doing a small jog to catch up with her as she entered Liz Claiborne and shopped with her. It's amusing to see male friends do that. They are different when they are with women they love and adore I guess. Maybe I have to learn how to do that - be a girl. I treat my male friends equally, like buddies and men I have relationships with, on a pedestal. I don't follow the natural order of things. I don't allow men to carry my things or walk behind me,just beside me. I say how I feel and hate games but it seems that doesn't work. Men don't actually like that..Filipino men especially. Maybe it's an ego thing but I never did get that. I hate the typical way men give expensive gifts too. I feel objectified by it and i feel Im bought off. I appreciate time and effort, stories and hugs. Im just different, i guess. It also takes a lot for me to be impressed by someone. Cars and cash really doesnt. Brains and heart does..someone who does good and right things in his life. That takes a lot of balls and willpower because again, it isn't natural for most. It's easier to compromise on things. Unfortunately, risky and crazy i may be, i am thay way. Things have to be done the right way or some semblance of order. That's my weakness. I can be so black and white sometimes. Grey areas drive me crazy, surprises scare me. OCD at it's best. Everything has to make sense and compute in my head otherwise, it drives me nuts.

Okay.. I'm rambling. Bottomline, I don't think I have ever met that kind of man. Who knows, I bump into him when I walk around with my iPod one of these days and he'll say " I've been observing you and you enjoy being alone too much and that isn't right..." That would freak me out.. And I would have nothing to say..and would probably faint.

* that was award winning..

* that's a hopeless scenario you're in.a quagmire..i don't know how to feel for you.from the frying pan into the fire. that sucks. whatever floats your boat and wherever one is happy.

* i am so glad i got a chance to start my life anew.mold it anyway i want and made a choice not because there was someone or something involved.no pressure..just my own personal choices. independence at its best.

* walking around the mall with a hot male friend is hilarious.women literally stop and stare.

* daph,you have a gorgeous family.shy talaga ako kay patrick..haha.

it's been a terribly long week..back to back meetings from 7:30 to 6, rehearsals till 9 or 10. my body and my head are drained plus that maguindanao thing really has me upset. i need an energy boost today..will be rehearsing till 9 again. a call or a joke from familiar, comforting voices would do..i don't even want to talk, i just want to listen.

bea goes home late tonight so time to keep busy...

* woke up with an annoying visitor i had to return to sender - and just when i didn't get much sleep
* meet with Mae Ann for lunch - late lunch na..i'm still so sleepy
* rehearse pas de deux with ricky, raul and mich for anniversary - pain, so much pain on my toes.now i have ugly toes again. why did i get talked into this?
* late afternoon with anne - my sister just pops up like a mushroom sometimes
* dinner with ernest - i hope no bugging about Edu anymore. I found him a candidate already
* bea time

I'm loving my weekends. Though I keep it full with all sorts of stuff and write with whatever free time I have, it's great. It makes me happy. I wish I had more energy and time to paint some more,though but that's my focus for December when my other projects are partly done.

Corporate really is my day job..haha.. a day job I love and find meaning in doing anyway. I am lucky.

I really don't need anything more in my life right now. A friend yesterday said that the great thing about being single is the fact that you only have yourself to worry about. I think the great thing about being single is that it gives you more time to help and be there others.